I am trying so hard to be beautiful enough for you..
When I shouldn’t even be. I’m pathetic.
When I shouldn’t even be. I’m pathetic.
They’re usually the ones that consists of thoughts that haunt you and prevent you from sleeping. I was backreading my blogs and I realized something. He was the only one who can make me write so.. passionately. I would easily get carried away by the emotion and these impalpable ideas would just pop up in my mind. My thoughts would tread like water- so smooth, so natural. As that quote goes.. “You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.” I guess the same applies for me when it comes to him.
But then again, a lot of my good posts came from my sadness which he caused. I guess something good came out of that part in my life. Thing is, I now doubt my writing skills. Was I only good when he was in my life? Only he could drown me deep in the ocean of my thoughts. I hope that’s not the case.
Now he only seems like a character in this make-believe story that I have created. A figment of my imagination. A fictional character. He isn’t the HE that is currently living and breathing here on Earth. The HE whom I thought he was is just a stimuli that passes in the neurons of my brain. And he did disappear as quick as that stimuli did. (Okay maybe not literally, but you know what I mean HAHA)
See? HAHA. This is probably why I like thinking about him at times. An exercise of the mind.. It might sound like I’m using him now, but I think if I do, I have every right to. Maybe that was also what he thought of me you know? Something to be used. For his benefit. Then when he’s bored with me he’d just put me away. He wouldn’t talk to me for days, for weeks. A month. His life was too exciting and happy that I was not needed then. And when he needed something to pass the time he went back and talk to me and entranced me with his words. It was a never ending cycle.
Anyway. Srsly, I need to find a new source of inspiration for writing. I don’t want to think about him anymore.
To those who have been messaging me and asking what my personal tumblr is, it’s marxcianne.tumblr.com
That is all.
I dream of being a complete hipster. A girl who only wears vintage clothes, reads books all the time, takes awesome film pictures and has a huge vinyl record collection. The kind who drinks coffee a lot. My hair would be dip-dyed and I will have that tattoo that I have always dreamed of. I will have three piercings in one ear. My house will have a luscious garden with a swing and a beautiful porch. I want huge windows, or at least big enough for light to come in. I want to be able to travel the world with my loved one and we’ll create wonderful memories together. We’ll eat different kinds of food, from Japanese to French. And we’ll never get fat. Sometimes we will drive with no destination. We’ll go skinny dipping. We’ll go to different amusement parks. I’ll have a wall in my house which would have all our pictures together. We will have a cat. Or maybe a dog. If it’s a cat, it’s name will be Salem. And if it’s a dog, it’ll be Mo. Or whatever we want, it’s fine. Wouldn’t that just be a wonderful life?
I miss dancing. I mean, dancing for so long like in our I.aM.mE. workshop. Because I love the feeling of sweating my bum off and looking flushed. And I just like dancing in front of huuuuge mirrors. Besides, workshops show this competitive side of me and I reaaaally move, unlike when I’m just at home and I easily give up when I sweat a bit lol. Maybe I should drop by the PAX dance class. Dunno.
LET’S DANCE AND MEET UP OR SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW I JUST WANT TO DANCE HUHUHUHU :((
Anyway. To Do’s (dance related)
Recently, I’ve been having this kind of intuition on when I should call RB, and he would answer. I called him last night. It was one of the best conversations we ever had recently. Seriously, it’s just like friends catching up, only with a bit of pick up lines and hitting on each other here and there lol.
I told him that I would be studying for 5 years more if I shift, totaling up to 6 years in college, while he only needs 2 years more (Aviation takes up 3 years at his school). I told him it’s unfair cause I have 3 more years to study while he’s already out there, getting a job and everything, earning. XD You know what he said?
"Don’t worry. I’ll wait for you in three years."
Damn. Why did that sound so sweet to me? >.< Oh. And we were talking about HIMYM and New Girl, which I don’t really watch much now cause I’m waiting for my chance to buy DVDs at RFC, but I was able to watch some recent episodes lately, and apparently that’s what he’s been doing all summer. =))) So those episodes were our topic. God’s amazing don’t you think? He has perfect timing.
I use the word “recently” too much here
Sounds like someone’s corny username lol. I am reading another book that has something about divorce and stuff like that. You know, separation. Subjects like these I could damn well relate to at these moments.
I love it when a book makes me stop reading after this awesome scene or sentence which makes me reflect about my life. Usually, I end up crying or just sad and then I would write in my journal. Most of the time, it leads me to thinking about RB.
Separation. I initiated it. I told him I wanted to break up. He didn’t want to, but with all the hurt I put up with, I decided to stop already. Honestly, I didn’t want to keep on going until I have hurt myself enough to have all the love I have for him gone. And when I saw him again that day.. Oh God, it hurt. There was so much longing. Yet I did not do anything. No. I have made too much first moves when we’re still together. It would be fun if this is Tekken or Mortal Kombat (lol first hit), but no. It’s fucking real life. And in real life, if a guy really loves a girl, he’d do anything for her. Making the first move is easy. But no. He must have really gotten over me.
It hurts again. But at least I know that I still love him, for when it hurts, then there’s still love.
Oh yeah. Before this book on separation, I was reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower, which I am sure is depleting my vocabulary with its mediocre words. Or maybe I’m just blaming something else for my poor choice of words instead of just blaming me and my lowly vocab.
I am so sorry. :( My 3 day workshop has come to an end two days ago. (April 16) I had new friends and have learned so much, not only in dance but also in life. :) And I also had this mini-crush on someone from there. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anywaaay. THANK YOU GOD THIS IS SO AMAZING. :> <3
Yesterday, I went to UST to pass my application for shifting into Archi. Making my letter of intent was hard for me. I didn’t know whether I should be formal or the other way around. I did halfway, leaning a bit more on the formal part, I guess. I wonder if I’ll pass. :( The prof whom I talked to at the office told me that I was lucky because someone’s shifting application was denied earlier. It made me so nervous because I feel like I’d be rejected tooo. :((((( Now I must wait.. I called this morning but there are no updates yet. I honestly feel all responsible cause I’m doing everything on my own, teehee. :> I’m so glad that God is with me all the way or else I’ll break down. (I’m weak at heart LOL)
Went home and my uncle and cousin were here! My aunt and her niece went too. We played Pinoy Henyo and it was so fun. My aunt’s an expert! =)) I then danced after cause I don’t like that energy and the feeling of looseness in my body that I got from my workshop to go away. (Did I make sense?!) Then mostly I just chatted with my friend from the workshop at night. It was so cool learning about new styles from him. He’s a Bboy. Isn’t that cool?! I have a Bboy friend! :D
Today… I’ll blog later about today. XD
Yay! Practice for our dance intermission tom! :> :D <3
Too many things have been happening so I have not updated my blog! Here are some events that have transpired which I still remember..
Sorry if I forgot anything. :/ Now I must prepare for tomorrow’s dance workshop with I.aM.mE.! Thank you God, for this wonderful opportunity! :D I must..
I’m through with them. I could sing, “I’m Through With Love” if I wanted to. I don’t really need a “special” guy in my life right now. I just need to concentrate on myself. On improving myself. On giving myself what I want and need.
Who else can treat me better but myself? (God, of course, but I should help, LOL)
According to Charles Baudelaire, “one should always be drunk”. If I were always drunk, I’d die. Srsly.
It was my first time to get drunk yesterday, when I was at an afterschool party with my blockmates. The party was one of the best times of my life. I love my blockmates so much and I thank God for giving them to me. The drunk part is the complete opposite.
Although, after too many shots of that damn strong poison of my choice, I was feeling really heavy and things started to get blurry. I also started getting hyper and there was even a part when I asked someone whom I don’t know where my purse was. :| Since I want to spare you the horrible details of my drunkenness, I should sum it up in this sentence: “I WILL BE CAREFUL IN DRINKING NEXT TIME.” >.< I really thought I wouldn’t get too drunk this time since in a party I attended before I had even more shots and I was still okay. I guess those shots I had last night were too strong. Also, before, I don’t believe in people not remembering some stuff when they’re drunk, and yet there I was, not remembering the face of the guy who talked to me. Just a faint outline of a person. :/
Still, I am so thankful for my blockmates who helped me the whole time. I wouldn’t be feeling well now if it weren’t for their enormous help. They’re so caring. :3 THANKS GUYS. :’)
And I also noticed something..
It all started when my friend left me all alone. Today is one of those days wherein my temper is so unstable. My patience and rationality wore thin. It’s my 4th day, so.
In a very unrelated note, I love how the finals is actually making me thinner. YES! Give me more! =))
See how I instantly jump from down under to the top of the world. I feel like if my name is in the dictionary, my definition would be:
(n) See mood swings.
Synonyms: Irrational, Weird, Emotional, Resentful, Raging hormones